Saturday, February 7, 2009


Sometimes in silent moments, when I drift off into fantasy I imagine a completely different life for myself. Suddenly I am unburdened by all the possessions that seem to weigh upon me and I pack a few essentials in some indestructible home on wheels and head off to wherever the stars lead me. I'd take on a new name just for the sake of change; and although I'd remain myself as I am today I'd be ready to let the impact of unforseen circumstances alter me in ways that I can only hope would be positive. New is not always better; but it's always different.

Sometimes I feel as if there isn't enough meaning in my life. I realize that there are a myriad of opportunities out there; things I could be doing to make a difference, to help others, to effect change. But I get so caught up the the day to day process of making money, being married, keeping up a house and running a business that I just don't get involved. Latley I've considered the possibility of actually selling my place and taking a year off to join a philanthropic organization like Habitat for Humanity and going overseas to volunteer for a program that actually has a positive influence on people's lives and improves their situation.

I guess I'm feeling a little stuck and stagnant and I don't want to let life slip by without attempting to accomplish something that pushes me outside my comfort zone. Starting the Bed and Breakfast was a bit risky, and I'm proud of how it's evolved over the years, but in the end, it seems like a very self-indulgent, and not entirely practical, endeavor. Just ask my parents. They don't even attempt to get it. They just think I should get rid of this place and find a real job. Or just work around my husband's career. He is the man after all.

But I don't want to laspe into a resentful tangent. I suppose money is important to the extent that I want to have enough to live comfortably. I've never been terribly materialistic; although I do appreciate nice stuff, it's not a big deal to me if I dress in Prada or drive a Beamer. I'm a jeans and T-shirt kind of person who basically enjoys the simple pleasures. It's always been important to me to find work that is enjoyable and rewarding. The Bed and Breakfast fulfills that requirement, but lately it doesn't bring in enough income, so I've been forced to take on a second job waiting tables and at 47, I'd kind of like to be done with that. But making such a statement makes me feel as if I'm putting down others who have enduring careers in the restaurant industry, and I'd never want to express that perspective. I despise the snobbish attitude of people who consider themselves superior because they work in white collar jobs, drive fancy cars, and accumulate heaps of nice, but needless possessions. Not to say that everyone who has wealth also has an attitude. But I think my parents do. My dad has declared condescendingly that I " make beds for a living." I suppose I should consider it charitable that he didn't say "clean toilets" because that's part of my job too... and doing laundry and cooking breakfast and interacting with a wide variety of cool and intersting people. (none of whom, incidentally, seem to look down their noses at what I do or treat me as if I'm just "the help")

So. I do enjoy the Bed and Breakfast even though I feel like it may be time to move on and try something new. Maybe a coffeeshop or a wine bar or a yoga studio/wine bar or a spa/coffeeshop or a cafe or a job in a resort or in a resort/spa or or or I could go back to school and get another Master's in social work or interior design. Or I could just travel for awhile and think on it.


For now, it's down to the kitchen to make a baked apple pancake for my guests and spend some time finding out what they're about. Good Sunday to you all.



  1. I can certainly relate to the first paragraph of this post. Before, I moved from a 2500 sq foot house where I lived alone, I had a wonderful train case fantasy. All I need was my perfume! I would walk out the door ( in my mind) and just lock it behind me!....All things were possible in that dream. Love the house!!
    Hope your weekend is a good one

  2. Hi,

    Your B&B looks quite charming! I'm sorry your parents give you such a rough time about it, as that no doubt contributes to your stress. I know times are tough and you are worried, but take a minute to realize and appreciate all of the energy and skills it took to create and maintain a business from the ground up. You are to be commended!

    Regarding your desire to do something different, have you thought about using your existing skills to benefit those in your own community?
    For example, since you already cook for guests, have you thought about making extra for a shut-in neighbor??? or volunteering to help a soup kitchen, food pantry or shelter?

    Another possibility is selling your own baked goods in your community and donating part of the proceeds to an organization that feeds or shelters others...

    Admittedly, this will take time and effort to pull off...Just some food for thought!

  3. Pam, we've all had those escape fantasies, trust me. The grass is not always greener on the other side of that fence. There are just different people there.

    My husband, 2 year old and I sold everything we owned in the 70's, let the water out of our ancient water bed, packed up the surf board and bought bus tickets (all we could afford), and headed for Jacksonville Beach, Florida from Louisiana when we were 20 years old. We rented an apartment (large room really), got restaurant jobs on the boardwalk, and bought a bicycle with a baby seat on back for our little girl and lived at the beach for a year. It was a blast in some respects. (Young and stupid covers a multitude of sins! LOL!) We had adventures we would never have the nerve to have now in our middle age. (In fact, we lived at the beach twice---BUT, in retrospect, it wasn't all a party and we did have some bad times.) We're glad now that we settled down in our 30's and bought a house that's paid for so we can live on a lot less money.

    The important thing is that you are doing something you love, something that YOU dreamed of and created from your imagination. That's powerful. I've worked at many jobs I hated for many years just to make money for the mortgage and it's a soul killer. I'm a poet and collage artist now and have no money or extras, but I'm happy. Good luck in your endeavors and trust your instincts.

    There is plenty of time for adventure ahead of you and your hubby! Do your homework before you make a new move and then, when you're convinced, just do it! (And I hear that coffee AND wine bars are struggling with the economy and all now....)

    Hang in there and keep the faith.

  4. I was in that state at around your age, and it came to a climax when my children left home. I started wondering what to do with all the skills and dreams I still had... and that is all it takes! Open your eyes, listen...don`t decide rashly, but you know, if you wait for something, it will come to you!! It is the Law of Attraction. It always works. Let us know.

  5. While I was reading this, I flashed back to a crazy thought I had last year. My husband and I were heading back home after taking a little drive without the kids and I said to him, "Sometimes I'd just like to sell everything and move around from state to state. Even hop on a plane, and explore other counties."

    Yeah... then I remembered the children and regained my sanity. :-) But.. if we didn't have kids...

  6. I vote coffee shop/wine bar - two vices in one convenient location!



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