My God I've been gone from here forever but my little blog survives in spite of neglect. Probably nobody visits anymore since I've stopped writing but, hey. That could change. I can still be a little bit popular can't I if I just make an effort here.
Okay. So. I got divorced like seven months ago but my ex husband just moved out last Friday. It took forever for him to get his act together and get his own place and stop depending on me and clinging and being a possessive, jealous, nice some of the time and an asshole the rest of the time pain in my ass.
But. He's out and I'm feeling peacefully solo even though I could be lonely and wondering why I don't seem to be able to make the whole marriage thing work out with that happy ever after ending that we all want to believe is not just some Hollywood piece of crap storyline. I don't mean to sound cynical. Just disillusioned.
It's my fault, of course, for making (2) bad choices. Number one was not nearly as big of a disaster as number 2 turned out to be but he was no picnic. No picnic, but a walk in the park compared to my last attempt at matrimonial bliss. Forgive the trite sayings. Two in row there.
sigh...
Okay so if anyone is still out there... I'm back.
Hope we'll be sharing a few words.
Pamela
Tuesday, March 23, 2010
Sunday, September 6, 2009
Momentum
So yesterday my ex made his partial migration down to his new basement digs. And we slept separately for the first official night. It was different, but good. I'm thinking this arrangement may have potential for success beyond the trial period... but we shall see. Depends on whether he truly allows me the privacy I need and the freedom to spend time with the friends that I have sorely neglected during the two and a half years of our marriage in order to be spared from his jealous tirades. At least I can get back to blogging again without worrying that he will be reading over my shoulder, or asking for textual details. I don't really wish to be secretive about this; but I hope to be able to write without the confines of self censorship.
Yesterday I scored a serving position at a nice little steakhouse just about 10 miles south of my town. Although the B&B is crazy busy now, I aniticipate the usual winter slump to begin by the end of October, so it's a relief to know that I'll have some back-up income. Between that and the extra rental money I'll be getting from the ex (provided he keeps working), I should be able to easily survive the slow season. A measure of financial security provides me with a much needed sense of peace. If that can be coupled by a positive alteration in my relationship with Patrick and a reconnection with my friends and my creative muses, I will be reaching a better place in the coming weeks.
I hope I can also reconnect with a blogging group. Many of my regular contacts from the beginning of the year seem to have stopped writing. Is anybody still out there??
Pamela
Yesterday I scored a serving position at a nice little steakhouse just about 10 miles south of my town. Although the B&B is crazy busy now, I aniticipate the usual winter slump to begin by the end of October, so it's a relief to know that I'll have some back-up income. Between that and the extra rental money I'll be getting from the ex (provided he keeps working), I should be able to easily survive the slow season. A measure of financial security provides me with a much needed sense of peace. If that can be coupled by a positive alteration in my relationship with Patrick and a reconnection with my friends and my creative muses, I will be reaching a better place in the coming weeks.
I hope I can also reconnect with a blogging group. Many of my regular contacts from the beginning of the year seem to have stopped writing. Is anybody still out there??
Pamela
Saturday, September 5, 2009
Six Word Saturday
Feeling more independent by the minute.
The ex hooked up cable in the basement today so his stuff should soon follow.
Have a job interview for part time work at a nearby steakhouse that I applied to months ago. Thought they had blown me off but I guess not. I hope that comes through. Only a ten minute drive! (a big deal when you live in an out the way, small town like Northfield)
My B&B is busy busy busy because there are 2 colleges in town and all the kids are returning to the dorms. September is the upswing in my seasonal cycle.
I'll be mowing the lawn later and eating something barbequed. (in keeping with the holiday tradition)
Happy Labor Day weekend to all!!
Pamela
The ex hooked up cable in the basement today so his stuff should soon follow.
Have a job interview for part time work at a nearby steakhouse that I applied to months ago. Thought they had blown me off but I guess not. I hope that comes through. Only a ten minute drive! (a big deal when you live in an out the way, small town like Northfield)
My B&B is busy busy busy because there are 2 colleges in town and all the kids are returning to the dorms. September is the upswing in my seasonal cycle.
I'll be mowing the lawn later and eating something barbequed. (in keeping with the holiday tradition)
Happy Labor Day weekend to all!!
Pamela
Friday, September 4, 2009
She's back...
Where have I been? (you may be wondering)
My life pulled a huge 180 in the past 6 months. I divorced my husband due to what would best be described as chronic meaness. Toss in perpetual unemployment, an ill temper, and a controlling, narcissistic personality, and... well, you get the picture.
Okay so. I should be single now, right? Not exactly.
He's still living with me... primarily because he has yet to accumulate the necessary funds to move out and I'm just too soft hearted to send him packing. But also because, damn it, I do still have feelings for him and he is tenaciously hanging on and insisting that a new start can be made and he can be more responsible and a better person and ya da ya da ya da. I've heard it before and it hasn't come to pass, but being eternally hopeful, I'm giving things a chance. He is working now (5 days and counting). He is also planning to move into my basement and pay actual rent. On the downside, he has no vehicle, except for an old motorcycle that belonged to my first husband and sat unused and unloved in my garage for somewhere around 10 or 12 years. So far, I've spent about $500 trying to fix it for him and get it titled and insured. $141 of that cost was incurred when he got pulled over for riding without insurance. That wasn't the fine, just the impound fee.
Main problem is that the damn thing only runs when it's in the mood. We've named it, we talk to it, we send it positive healing thoughts, but it still continues to run for awhile and then die, and run for awhile, and die again. Currently it's dead, which means that he took my car to work, leaving me without wheels. That isn't such a huge problem since I work at home and live in a small town... but still. The guy needs to get a car. And it will probably be at least a year before his credit recovers sufficiently for that to even be a possibility.
So. We'll sink a bit more money in the bike and hope for the best. At least now it will be his money because today he gets his first paycheck. Woo hoo! It's only been since early March when he got his last one. But I'm pleased and hoping that this job will work out.
The basement situation will be interesting. I don't really know if it's enough distance for me, but we'll see. It's a two month trial attempt at salvaging the relationship by creating some boundaries and some much needed privacy. We currently share an attic that is basically like a studio apartment. And... until recently, he was out of work and always home. It's hard to miss someone when they NEVER GO AWAY.
And that, my friends, is the update. I shall try to get back to my blogging world and reading and writing and sharing with you all. I've missed it.
Pamela
My life pulled a huge 180 in the past 6 months. I divorced my husband due to what would best be described as chronic meaness. Toss in perpetual unemployment, an ill temper, and a controlling, narcissistic personality, and... well, you get the picture.
Okay so. I should be single now, right? Not exactly.
He's still living with me... primarily because he has yet to accumulate the necessary funds to move out and I'm just too soft hearted to send him packing. But also because, damn it, I do still have feelings for him and he is tenaciously hanging on and insisting that a new start can be made and he can be more responsible and a better person and ya da ya da ya da. I've heard it before and it hasn't come to pass, but being eternally hopeful, I'm giving things a chance. He is working now (5 days and counting). He is also planning to move into my basement and pay actual rent. On the downside, he has no vehicle, except for an old motorcycle that belonged to my first husband and sat unused and unloved in my garage for somewhere around 10 or 12 years. So far, I've spent about $500 trying to fix it for him and get it titled and insured. $141 of that cost was incurred when he got pulled over for riding without insurance. That wasn't the fine, just the impound fee.
Main problem is that the damn thing only runs when it's in the mood. We've named it, we talk to it, we send it positive healing thoughts, but it still continues to run for awhile and then die, and run for awhile, and die again. Currently it's dead, which means that he took my car to work, leaving me without wheels. That isn't such a huge problem since I work at home and live in a small town... but still. The guy needs to get a car. And it will probably be at least a year before his credit recovers sufficiently for that to even be a possibility.
So. We'll sink a bit more money in the bike and hope for the best. At least now it will be his money because today he gets his first paycheck. Woo hoo! It's only been since early March when he got his last one. But I'm pleased and hoping that this job will work out.
The basement situation will be interesting. I don't really know if it's enough distance for me, but we'll see. It's a two month trial attempt at salvaging the relationship by creating some boundaries and some much needed privacy. We currently share an attic that is basically like a studio apartment. And... until recently, he was out of work and always home. It's hard to miss someone when they NEVER GO AWAY.
And that, my friends, is the update. I shall try to get back to my blogging world and reading and writing and sharing with you all. I've missed it.
Pamela
Saturday, March 7, 2009
Why we write
The older I become, the more I cherish those elusive moments when my world feels completely in balance. Nothing amiss, astray, or awry. All is well.
There are many forces in our lives that conspire to compromise our inner peace. The key to a healthy existence, as Allison suggests with her blog title, is to "keep calm and carry on," and to gravitate towards and revel in whatever it is that brings us closer to that state of pure perfection.
Sometimes it is triggered by something singular; a breathtaking vista, a lover's glance, a song or a poem. But more typically it is the collective sense of balance we are blessed with when the disparate tangle of daily details somehow settles into a sustained moment of blissful harmony.
For many of us who write, the process of putting our thoughts into words speaks to this quest for an inner euphoria. Whether we are striving to fill a void, or feverishly attempting to expel an excess, the compositions we create, in prose or poetry, soothe and satiate our restless, imaginative spirits. When we manage to capture and corral those voices and ideas that continually swirl and eddy about in our brains and tidily formulate them into a meaningful or funny or poignant or even an angry flow of articulate phrases, we feel accomplished. We read and re-read what we've written and think, YES that's it... I said it, there it is, and hey... it sounds pretty good. It works. And whether we share those words with the world or keep them completely to ourselves, they allow us to savor a small joyous moment. We pause. We enjoy. Then we pat ourselves briefly on the back and move on. Because there's always more to say.
Pamela
Wednesday, March 4, 2009
family circle
I have to say that I'm impressed with you guys. It amazes me how some of you can write such wonderful posts, with such devoted regularity. Seems like I have to percolate for awhile between writing sessions, before I can accumulate enough mental material to sit down and type out even just a few paragraphs. But I have found myself ruminating, not only about my next topic of discussion, but about the thoughts and issues and feelings and funny stories that I encounter daily in the diverse selection of blogs that I've become addicted to following. So. Thanks for the inspiration.
I don't know what key I pressed or what icon I clicked on, but for some reason my text keeps getting translated into Hindi. And it's coming out double spaced which is not my intention. Hmmm. What's the deal with that??
But anyway. I've been pondering this whole question of anonymity, as in, whether to share my outpourings with the people I'm close to, or just to send them out, unidentified, into the cyber sphere of unseen faces. My decision is not to solicit readers from my own circle, but not to deliberatly exclude anyone. So. If blogging comes up randomly in conversation, I will confess to my partcipation and reveal my location, if it doesn't, well, then I won't.
I think the possibility of revelation steers our expressions away from negative and potentially hurtful examinations of the flaws and the shortcomings and the percieved evils of the people who populate our lives; particulary those we are closest to. Admittedly, we all need to vent and family dysfunctions often make for good humor. They also provide our readers with the comforting realization that they aren't the only ones who feel alienated from those freaks of nature they will forever be related to. Of course, if you are distanced from said relatives, you probably won't be sharing your blog with them to begin with.
At any rate, although the preceeding description does not characterize my relationship to my family, and my parent's don't actually even own a computer, I still plan to avoid, for the most part, complaining about their frustrating, judgemental attitudes. I will always love them. Enough said. And I want these compostions of mine to remain, essentially, in the positive zone. When possible. Although I do reserve the right to complain about the randomly annoying people
who occasionally piss me off or simply amuse me with their idiocy. And I hope you will all continue to do the same because I've been finding it really entertaining.
And she's off to iron a shirt....
Pamela
PS... an afterthought. In case it may have occured to you. I would of course never even consider using my blog as an outlet to express any displeasure or irritation with my beloved husband because he is, unequivocally, perfect in every way. Right, honey? (I notice that a lot of us seem to feel that way about our partners. Hmmm.)
I don't know what key I pressed or what icon I clicked on, but for some reason my text keeps getting translated into Hindi. And it's coming out double spaced which is not my intention. Hmmm. What's the deal with that??
But anyway. I've been pondering this whole question of anonymity, as in, whether to share my outpourings with the people I'm close to, or just to send them out, unidentified, into the cyber sphere of unseen faces. My decision is not to solicit readers from my own circle, but not to deliberatly exclude anyone. So. If blogging comes up randomly in conversation, I will confess to my partcipation and reveal my location, if it doesn't, well, then I won't.
I think the possibility of revelation steers our expressions away from negative and potentially hurtful examinations of the flaws and the shortcomings and the percieved evils of the people who populate our lives; particulary those we are closest to. Admittedly, we all need to vent and family dysfunctions often make for good humor. They also provide our readers with the comforting realization that they aren't the only ones who feel alienated from those freaks of nature they will forever be related to. Of course, if you are distanced from said relatives, you probably won't be sharing your blog with them to begin with.
At any rate, although the preceeding description does not characterize my relationship to my family, and my parent's don't actually even own a computer, I still plan to avoid, for the most part, complaining about their frustrating, judgemental attitudes. I will always love them. Enough said. And I want these compostions of mine to remain, essentially, in the positive zone. When possible. Although I do reserve the right to complain about the randomly annoying people
who occasionally piss me off or simply amuse me with their idiocy. And I hope you will all continue to do the same because I've been finding it really entertaining.
And she's off to iron a shirt....
Pamela
PS... an afterthought. In case it may have occured to you. I would of course never even consider using my blog as an outlet to express any displeasure or irritation with my beloved husband because he is, unequivocally, perfect in every way. Right, honey? (I notice that a lot of us seem to feel that way about our partners. Hmmm.)
Sunday, March 1, 2009
Quirks
Thanks to everyone for their kind and useful comments.
As we all seem to agree, being part of a community of writers (I'm not fond of the term "blogging" but I might just have to get over it) allows us the comfort of discovering that our thoughts, fears, confusions and even our little quirky habits are shared by at least one or a
handful of other intelligent lifeforms out there in the unfathomably large universe. Thank God, or the wizards of technology, for setting us all up with these magic screens and their companion keyboards that condense the world by connecting us so effortlessly to the unseen souls in our midst. It really is quite miraculous.
handful of other intelligent lifeforms out there in the unfathomably large universe. Thank God, or the wizards of technology, for setting us all up with these magic screens and their companion keyboards that condense the world by connecting us so effortlessly to the unseen souls in our midst. It really is quite miraculous.
And now I can feel a bit less strange, realizing that I'm far from being the only person who makes my cats talk. Well. I guess I already knew that because my husband does it. He's actually the one who got me doing it cause he does it all the time.
This morning, for instance, my two black cats, Tara and Claude were listening to NPR with me while I made breakfast. When we heard a story about how some British airline is thinking about combating rising operational costs by charging their in flight customers to use the bathroom, we were all pretty appalled. I said "that's ridiculous" and Claude agreed. "Yeah. Really fucked up," he said. (Claude swears a lot) Then little Tara concurred."That's totally bogus," she added. "Way over the top."
And so. Yes. We Sanfords amuse ourselves by conversing with our cats. It's fun. Really.
Pamela
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